I have a bottle of cheap hand lotion in my bedroom, and it is not a gentleman. I know this because no matter how often I politely explain, “Listen, hand lotion? I don’t play that way,” the hand lotion insists on ejaculating all over me. I do not mind, and in fact I want and expect, a little spurt into the hand, but this hand lotion gets coverage and distance. I routinely end up with hand lotion on my clothing, on the other dresser-top items, and once even on the OPPOSITE WALL. My bottle of Suave Advanced Therapy is clearly a very advanced “heavy finisher,” and should consider being in porn films. And I would encourage such a career, I would even drive the bottle of hand lotion to auditions, because the hand lotion sucks as a bottle of hand lotion. One wants soft moisturized hands and fingers from a bottle of hand lotion, not big irregular splotches of creamy white goop all over shirts and pants and furniture.